Another

Quote of the Day: Selfishness enhances the survival of the body, selflessness enhances the survival of the spirit.

It has been a while since I lasted posted, thanks to the overwhelming surge of assignments and compulsory dedication to the Matrics. Oh, and of course, due to my procrastinatability (If there is such a word...)

There is one word that can explain life:

ONZ!

Just joking, but it felt like coming out... One thing is for sure, I won't be 'onz' tomorrow when everyone else is hippying at Hartamas, but at least I don't have Statistics. What I need is a vacation, luckily I have Langkawi for that.

I haven't felt any emotions these days, the workload is supressing my emotional state of consciousness. Is that a good thing?

And sorry Josh, you can't be Sub-ed. :(

Sam wears cool hairstyles to college everyday now. I wished I had his hair... Apparently, Josh is going bald again. Wait, that didn't come out right... What I wanted to say is he is planning to shave his head. Julian says that he has a good shape for baldness and then commented that my head had the shape of a monk's head. Yay. However, under comformity and influence of fashion magazines, I'll try to keep my hair a little longer...

Another thing to rant about:

LAN SUX!

I'm glad we had this conversation.

Love Is Painful

It is time for you to understand why love in painful. No more lies, only truth.

My perspective of love is unlike many others. I'm not saying that how I see love is the best way to see it. I just hope that by seeing what I see, you learn to be a better person. Let's begin.

Throughout my whole life, I treated people like how I want to be treated: equals. I treat girls like boys, I treat boys like girls, I treat elders like teenagers, and vice versa. I thought I will hold onto this principle till my dying day. I mean, even my sisters (Yes, I have 2.) and several friends have stated that they are sorry for my future wife. What surprised me this year is that I probably have found it.

I know what crushes are, I had one before. With who, you might ask? Well, time to tell the truth. There is an ex-classmate who sat behind me. One thing was for sure: she was cute. And she was friendly, and she was bubbly and never showed any bad sides of herself. We shared great moments together with Breakfast Man. That little girl has now grown from what I perceive as a wonderful child into a mature women of all sorts. I don't think I need to elaborate any further, you know who I'm talking about. I have already told her about the crush. She said I had good taste, and for once, I thought I got something right. But honestly, it wasn't love. I could feel it. It was just a great feeling of attachment, a crush.

But there was this girl I met. I didn't know that I was actually having that feeling. The silence.

I treated her unlike other girls I treated, and that changed the way I treated other girls. She probably might not have noticed it, but is that even important? I sometimes think that we can never be together, there were just too many complications.

But let me tell you something. People say you need 2 to tango. They are wrong. All wrong. You might need 2 to tango, but you only need 1 to love the dance itself.

If to love someone is to be happy when she is happy, to be happy when she smiles, then I think I am in love.

If to love someone is to feel pain when you know you can't have her, to feel sorrow when you know you shouldn't have her, to feel misery when you know you are lying to yourself, then I think I am deeply in love.

Remember, if you get loved in return, love her back more in return. Heck, love her back more no matter what happens. Because that's what love is: a gift from the heavens.

There is a time when I can confess everything, but now is not the time. The time is nigh.

Love love.

In The Way With No TIme

I'm in the way again and I have to go and be more in the way in McDs...

BAH.

Half a Weekend to Remember, and Another Half to Not

There's so much to tell in so little time and little space. Nevertheless, let me begin. This post will tell you about what happened since Friday, the 24th, till now.

After finishing the Psychology Assignment and not being able to find Miss Yeo, Ezra sent Mell, Josh and I to Josh's apartment, Araville. One thing I have to say about his condo, it has a spectacular view, being so high up on a mountain, and it has an interesting decor, for example, the abstract art of a naked woman in the study. And clean, thanks to Josh's wonderful sense of cleanliness.

I consider myself out of the way, being a very un-prude person. I don't know whether I should have stayed or not. That being that, I thank the duo for puting up with my unplanned emo-ity and my mood swings, as well as for lending me a back to hide behind while playing FEAR... Also, don't worry about the washing-bowls-and-cooking stint, it's just a different culture and upbringing. If you want to return the favour, my gates are open at any time, and my cabinets too, that is.

Sam comes to rescue me at 2100. We then went to Hartamas square. I pretty much was having the same experience, except in a different location. And, yes, I am un-prude. We went to Mell's house some time after with a new group of people, Julian, James and Stella. There were 3 groups working the talk in Mell's house, you know which you belong to. I arrived home at 0130, thanks to Sam and his incredible driving skills.

The next day I had to go to my hometown, Bidor, for my cousin's wedding. I haven't even seen here before, and she's already getting married. Amazing. The wedding atmosphere at the bride's house was , to them, normal. Loud, chaotic and filled with happiness, it seems. Then I had to perambulate to a community hall, which happened to be the place the wedding dinner was being held, and the place where I was attacked by a colony of houseflies. The emcee for the night kept inviting family members up on stage to sing Chinese karaoke songs. The singers yelling into the mike and the loudspeaker being right in front of me didn't help my ears. However, they have to be given credit for they have more voice control then most of the bathroom singers around in college, thanks to the availability of karaoke machines in everyone's house...

Because most other relatives were staying in my relatives' houses, me and my uncle's family had to stay in a hotel in Teluk Intan, the city of the pirated Leaning Tower of Pisa. To everyone's surprise, our rooms were given away to people... Stupid hotel. And the fact that Siti Nurhaliza and M. Nasir stayed there before didn't help. All the other hotels were full too, apparently because there were many wedding happening on the same day... Even the super-tiny-house-looking-hotel called Hotel Kok Min was full. Dammit. We resorted to sleeping in the hotel's conference room, where many cats were already making their home, with makeshift beds. The good part, it was only RM 50; the bad part, I didn't like it.

And I woke up with a horrible attitude.

And then I had to go to see the tea ceremony whwich involved too much smoke getting in my eyes. And then I couldn't tahan anymore. And then I'm not going to make this experience one to remember. And then I don't want to blog anymore.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

A 0130 Post

I am tired, literally. What do I expect from coming back so early in the morning.

Four-Edged Sword - How Long Can I Hold Onto It?

Today is not just another day. Today I climbed another hill in my life.

On my way to the peak, I was quite controlled, excited and stressed out at times, but I thought that was normal, that was a gift. However, there were definitely more pits, more dangerous cliffs on the way up, more avalanches to come across, more adventures, more creatures lurking in the undergrowth, more spirituality.

But there is a difference. Once I reached the top.

I don't get why things happen to me. If they are supposed to teach me a lesson, I'm not understanding the point, I'm not understanding the information, lost in my own confusion. If things are supposed to happen to me to make me go down, then I'll tell that someone up there something: 'Why can't you tell me that faster in my face?' If things happen to me because I chose the way I lead my life, then why are there all the strange restrictions I meet, all the checkpoints, all the walls and unopened doors? If things happen to me because I don't want them to, then I am just plain unlucky.

Transformation.

That is the word to describe my whole year. I will be surprised if you show me both the me of the past and the me of the present. They are like 2 completely different individuals. I told a certain someone that she didn't lose any of her good traits even though she has changed for the better. I certainly don't think that happened to me.

There are new weaknesses, new strengths. I know they are there, but what are they for? How do we use them. DO I WANT TO? I don't know. Confusion.

And then I reach the peak. Not just another peak of my life. The trip up there might seem like one of those other trips, but the peak...

You can see the sky meet the Earth with a blaze of fiery crimson, while the universe seems to supress it with a tinge of melodramatic blue. The grasslands whisper in your ears with their sweets-smelling grass-green whereas the birds sing a lullaby. The sea emits a wave of prussian although the beach meets that with a blend of sandstone and clay. Yet, there is something fishy. And it isn't any of the fishes in the sea.

It is the air. It smells lifeless. There seem to be a storm brewing, yet there isn't any speck of black in the air. There seem to be a hurricane coming this way, but where is the silence before the storm? I don't get it. It is paradoxicality in action.

And before me lay a million paths to the next peak. Which one should I take? I think I already made that decision. I'll wait. For that little something that's coming this way. If it is really a storm, should I regret staying? If it is a beautiful shining sun, is it worth it? Will I feel that same tight curiosity that I have never felt before. I don't know. I don't want to never know this.

But as I wait longer, guilt builds up. Pain develops. Misery encountered. How much am I willing to hurt myself to find the truth.

But if I take a path down the mountain, I might hurt the something special. I might intrude dangerous grounds. A minefield. And I'll blow myself and other mines together, more than before... It's like I'm seeing myself go for it, but I am not. I'm seeing myself in others, so I'm afraid that hurting that someone will hurt me more.

Patience.

Do I trust the word. Do I have a choice?

I only can hope, but it is fading fast. I need that something special, yet I know that I should go for it.

If loving someone is to feel pain when you know you can't have her, to feel misery when you know you shouldn't have her, to feel sorrow when you know you are lying to yourself, then I think I am deeply in love. It's not just a feeling, it's not just another bright light. It glows with a different aura of presence. And you sacrifice for her. You sacrifice for your 'self'. You think you know what you're doing.

How long will it before I wither and roll down the mountain?

The Internet Addiction PDS

Today was the day it happened; the Psychology Personal Development Lecture on Internet Addiction. It was excitement all the way. For me at least. Lesley was kinda worrying at times, but I don't blame her.

Apparently, when I say, 'things will go well', everyone feels assured.

When I found that out, I was, 'WOW!' In surprise, that is. I mean, I thought I was the one dependant on others. I completely broke down (okay, maybe not that much...) when Lesley resigned as Editor. And to think of it, I was rallying for the post in the first place. To be honest, there isn't much difference in terms of workload. I was actually not wanting to take over her post, but no one was there to take ehr place...

Why am I always in the wrong place at the wrong times? Like during the Strength Bombardment, Michael A-Bomb-ed me with the Biology Lab Workload... And there I was, stuck with a birdhouse filled with red ants, screaming my head off till Mr. Andrew was there... And Lesley didn't complete the random placement chart, BAH. And, I was sweating like a hog, BAH. Okay, not the correct place to rant about this...

Let's get back to topic. The presentation was fine. I was worried that Miss Yeo was going to penalize us due to weird actions done in class, like staring at Juliet, or sneaking Lesley in with an armload of unsticker-ied-stickers. But everyone had fun in the end, I think.

I really have to thank Lesley, Mell and Wai Kuan for trusting me till the end, and most importantly, trusting themselves till the very end. It was sweet. I also have to thank Sam and Josh for making an appearance, even though I knew they wanted to see the pr0n. Joking...

I have to apologize to Miss Yeo (Are you reading this?) for being such a big pain in the buttocks when I emo-ed last week, forcing her to change our presentation time to today. Also, for being interruptive all the time, I have to work on that. Thank you for your guidance and patience.

And to the something higher up there. Not god. But something there. For being there.

I shall not talk about what my section of the presentation was, you can just view it here:

http://www.pointlesswasteoftime.com/pornoff.html

Don't ask...

Strength Bombardment

My heart beated very fast.

I just wasn't used to getting compliments. And its tough to tell someone what you think of them with everyone staring at you... It's like dropping bombs on a fragile house.

And that's about it...

Taking Flowers to a Closed Door

Quote of the day: What they say is what they want you to believe in, what you believe in is what you want to become.

I was feeling in a rather good mood today, or at least in the morning. I mean, I had that boost of reality-ism from yesterday's denial process. And there was the fact that I was about to give flowers to a girl for the first time. No she isn't my girlfriend, but I thought that she deserves flowers as an apology for what I did, not what I thought my actions did.

It was a bad sight. I dropped my chair as I stood up to present her with the gift. And she completely left her door close. And I thought I did something wrong.

I mean, this moment was something to be recorded, and I was thinking it would go well. And all I met was a closed door. Denial of entrance. It's like telling someone, 'you're not wanted here' when they did all the work for you.

Pain.

As pain as a dear someone's who has been turned down his license. OH GOSH! Now I feel like failing my driving exam too. I mean, anything can go wrong, can't they?

Brought Back to Reality

Quote of the day: The disturbing fact is that the vast majority of people, including educated and otherwise sophisticated people, find the idea of change so threatening that they attempt to deny its existence.

I skipped college today.

When I woke up, I had that feeling. The 'not today' feeling. I don't get this feeling all the time and it comes at me as a surprise.

Not only that, I had also lived in denial for at least half the day. I spent the entire day resting, thinking that I was on the brink of exhaustion. I also binged, a lot. I practically ate an undeveloped country's average meal for a single individual in a week. 2 weeks. And that is a lot. I feel fat already. After that, I slept. I slept a long uninterrupted sleep. And when I woke up, I felt guilty.

I leanrt something interesting today. Guilt when combined with controlled denial brings you back to reality.

I felt real.

Maybe it was worth skipping after all.

No matter what, I have to apologize to everyone who I had stood up to today. I am truly sorry. Because I let them worry for nothing. Because I am such a selfish bum.

BAH.

P for Procrastinator

P also symbolizes the red P symbol you paste on your car after getting your 'P' license.

I went for the 6 hour amali today and I have to tell you that it was rather interesting.

1. I didn't talk to anyone much. You horrible introvert.
2. It was boring, but what did I expect? A funfair?
3. I learnt that I didn't know much about cars. Wait, I knew that already...
4. I was hot and humid and uncomfortable and pissed off at the weather when it rained and sunned (Is there such word?) on me a minute later.
5. I drive horribly.

At least the instructor didn't need to use his emergency brake...

If a Mercedes or BMW is equalavent to Baskin Robins Handpacked Ice-cream, the Safety Driving Centre's Kancil is equilavent to an Ais Krim Potong Perisa Kacang Merah, with all the red beans in the wrong places. The steering is half dead; I had to, like, turn the wheel at least 5 complete circles to get it to U-turn the car. The clutch is okay though. The brake and accelerator pedals are EXTREMELY sensitive.

I have nightmares about my driving exam day already, with the 250 other students laughing at me when I hit the 'tiang' during my parking or three-point turn sessions.

NEWSFLASH: Aparently, Josh saw me at SDC but I was too blur to notice him.

I thought gear 1 was fast. I think I'm mad. And the instructor kept butting in on my trial drive, MY FIRST DRIVE! So, I had the steering in my control for somewhere around 10% of the time.

Oh, a friendly reminder: AVOID THE SDC CANTEEN'S TEH AIS AT ALL COST. It tastes like 99% creamer and 1% tea. I also found out today that my Undang Certificate lasts until 23rd of December this year thanks to my incredible procrastination.

During my next lesson, I'll make sure I purposely stop the engine of the car when someone horns at me.

Min Huei Goth

Oh, with Stella Goth comes Min Huei Goth. I guess she needed some company...

...

Don't even ask.

Stella Goth

You know the Goth family in Sims? Well, they have a graveyard in their backyard, and little do they know that there is a new ghost in the neighbourhood...

Stella Goth...

I know, the first picture in my blog has to be so groovy.

Something tells me I'm going to be bitten soon... I better start wearing garlic necklaces to college.

Of Lemon Extract and Green Colouring Powder

I know I was uncontrollable, like a mindless automaton. I didn't blame anyone, not even myself, and I find that to be pretty strange. The thing is, during the past few days, I have learnt much about life, probably more than anyone in such a short time span. I wouldn't say that I amm proud of it. What I can say is this: I have become stronger.

And I am truly sorry to those who had to patiently withstand my barrage of emoness. I apologize for keeping everyone in mysterious clouds. I'm sorry but I have to keep everyone longer in those clouds, because I will be sure that everyone will stay safe.

Lemon extract is sour when you first taste it. But after subsequent tastings, it doesn't taste that bad after all. Green colouring powder might seem useless, but with a little water, it becomes a powerful dye.

Life needs to be tasted in its different flavours.

Have you tried the most bitter ones?

HOPE!

There is hope.

I will wait for her. I know it will happen. And even if it doesn't, I am ready for it. 'Cause love is really powerful.

You don't really need to be loved in return. You just need to know that she knows you love her.

And if she loves you back, love her back more.

Heck, love her back more all the time.

'Cause if you don't, you'll never be able to love again.

At least, not true love.

I will wait.

There is hope.

Hope.

I'll love myself first though.

'Cause, if I don't, I will kill myself before anything happens.

And I don't want to, kill myself that is...

So hope.

And dreams will become reality.

Oh, and there is always someone behind you.

Another special one you can share with.

Thank that person, 'cause she is always your backbone.

Through hurricanes, and car crashes.

Hope.

Hope more.

Hope with all of your heart.

And you'll have no regrets in life.

Mailless 3

They can't read the signs; should I be lucky or not? Delusions feel the head of the third, like a clockwatcher without control. How long is this going to go on? Answer me,

Mailless

Sky Juice Imsoniac

Quote of the Day: Indifference is painful.

Today is the probably my toughest day of the year. I would prefer to have 2 research papers due tomorrow rather than to delve in such complexities in life. The pool I am swimming in has suddenly become so much bigger and deeper, till I can't see either the bottom or the coast, and being stranded in the middle is not making things better.

The truth is, I think I have changed a lot over this few months. Even Ms. Chia and the other lecturers notices this. I can't tell if it was for the better. What I know is that I am not comfortable in this new suit of mine.

Secondly, I think I have done the biggest mistake EVER in my life. I am so doomed. It's like adding salt to everyone's bowl of soup when it was initially salty. Now everyone is gonna get mad at me, or at least 2 or 3 in mind. Let me tell you something: talking about life and love for 3 hours, straight, is very invigorating. And you can actually learn stuff that you might not be ready for.

And here I am, paralyzed to the computer screen, as if my body would not allow me to move away till I have spilled something dear to me, something I would have never told anyone with my presenting self. But I can't. Telling the something will hurt others more than it will hurt me, and guilt will be back to haunt me. Guilt is not at all fun to be with. I know that for a fact, having spent my whole life with him.

Alone.

That's what, or perhaps how, I am feeling now.

I have been lonely for long enough. 17 years of indifference.

Suffocation. Vindication. Desolation.

Misery.

WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?

I think I am going mad. Stupid insecure me.

One thing I can be sure about: life is not going to be the same again.

Mailless 2

Your silhouette is revealed to be the same as my perceived image, and that doesn't make things any better to start with. Lodestones clash with each other, but yet they stick closely together. The treasure chest now appears further away, probably on the other side of the world. In the path stand an old familiar tree, which I am afriad to chop down, although it is blocking the route. What have I done? I can never look at you the same way again. From,

Mailless

TMNuts Screamyx

I hope I go home to find the fat man replacing my burnt out modem. You know, the fat man who works for the Kelana Jaya region.

I can't live without no connection, especially when I have 2 LAN subjects and Biology behind my back.

And together in this rant, I will reveal some really horrifyingly stupid information.

10 Things You Already Know And Might Not Want To Hear About It Again
1. Mellissa likes to see this fat wrestler on WWE called Umaga, who seems to have a Maori ancestry. He defeated Kane, as Josh and I watched Mell's intent expression, which happened to be a funny thing.
2. Josh had a crush on one guy. (Too much information perhaps?)
3. Josh isn't gay.
4. Mell's husband stays in Ali Maju, the branch near the RHB bank at Pusat Bandar Damansara, and apparently, her husband's friends ogle at her. Mell claims she is a very ogle-able person.
5. Stella reads my blog, but she never leaves any comments, because apparently, my blog is too boring. Same goes for Julian, and whoever else who reads my 'boring' blog.
6. Lesley is sitting next to me now as I write this. "Go do your Bio assignment la." From both of us to both of us.
7. Lesley is sick of her Bio assignment and keeps telling me that we will die for our Psychology presentation on Thursday. I don't blame her, I think we are so dead too.
8. I'm running out of Things You Already Know And Might Not Want To Hear About It Again.
9. (After 5 minutes...) Scientists show human pornography to pandas to help them stimulate their sexual desires. I bet Josh would like to be in their position. The pandas, I mean, not the scientists.
10. (After another 5 minutes...) Smoking Sheesha (Did I spell this right?) once is as bad as smoking 100 cigarettes. Ezra is still living in denial saying that newspapers should not publish such irreliable information.

ARGH, my mum is not here, I am so gonna sleepover in HELP for the night...

See ya tomorrow.

Getting Tagged, Not

I still don't know what getting tagged means, or how do you even get tagged to start with. And here I am, in my mum's new office at Bandar Manjalara because my house's stupid connection is down...

Layer ONE: On the Outside
Name: Chai Min Huei
Birthdate: 11th April 1988
Current Status: Single
Eye Colour: (After spending 1 minute looking in the toilet mirror) Brown irises with black pupils
Hair Colour: Obsidian, without the shine
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aries, the one with a hard horn but a soft heart

Layer TWO: On The Inside
Your Heritage: Chinese, Dad is a Hakka, Mum is Hokkien
Your Fears: My inner self and most bugs
Your Weaknesses: My mouth
Your Perfect Pizza: No preferences, but I like the ones with lots of cheese and a thin crust and no pineapples

Layer THREE: Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow
Your Thoughts First Waking Up: Is this a dream?
Your Bedtime: Earlier than yours
Your Most Missed Memory: There was this moment when I thought I was in love, and I probably was, but I was too blind and blonde to see it

Layer FOUR: Your Pick
Pepsi or Coke: Neither, I mean, who would drink something you'd use to clean toilet bowls?
McDonald's or Burger King: Burger King, the Whopper rocks!
Single or Group Dates: Single, 'coz I'm a shy person
Adidas or Nike: Nike, but it sure is damn expensive...
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Neither, I'm not a tea person
Chocolate or Vanilla: Can I have both?
Capucinno or Coffee: Aren't they both the same?

Layer FIVE: Do You
Smoke: Never had, never will
Curse: Once, if you're talking about the F word
Take a Shower: An average of 5 times a day during holidays, a guy has got to keep himself clean
Have a Crush: Yes, I think...
Go to school: Are these questions meant for children of under-developed countries?
Want to Get Married: I have no idea yet...
Believe in Yourself: I don't trust anyone, even myself
Think you're a Health Freak: I keep telling myself that dieting is good and I must cut down on fats and carbs and at the same time throw MnMs into my mouth faster than you can say 'Mellissa Moment'.

Layer SIX: In The Past Month
Drank Alchohol: The sip of BL from Mell's bottle the day after the Ball
Gone to the Mall: Yes, to get my Suit from G2000
Been on Stage: You do know that you're reading Mr. Stage Manager's Blog?
Eaten Sushi: YES! There is this really cool organic vegetarian shop near my mum's workplace which serves buffet spreads on weekends, and they serve this really YUMMY organic vegetarian sushi (In 4 varieties!). It only costs RM 18 per head.
Dyed your Hair: Nope, but do you think I'll look good in pure white?

Layer SEVEN: Have You Ever
Played a Stripping Game: No, so, should I be lucky or not?
Changed Who You Were to Fit In: All the time

Layer EIGHT: No Title...
Age You're hoping to get married: 30, or else I'll be dead before I see my children grow up...

Layer NINE: In a Girl/Guy
Best Eye Colour: This is a blonde question
Best Hair Colour: What is wrong with this questionaire?
Short or Long Hair: I have no comment...

Layer TEN: What Were you Doing
1 minute ago: Copying and answering this 'tagged' questionaire...
1 hour ago: Reaching my mum's office
4.5 hours ago: Sleeping
1 month ago: Cramming for Mid-terms the day before each exam
1 year ago: Peeking at Breakfast Man if I have leftover time after finishing my SPM papers

Layer ELEVEN: Finish the Sentence
I love: YOU
I feel: Indifferent
I hate: Most bugs
I hide: The hideous parts of my life
I miss: Innocence
I need: A life

Vienna Teng's Passage

I died in a car crash two days ago
was unrecognizable
when they pulled me from the gears
no one's fault, no one's bottle
no one's teenage pride or throttle
our innocence is all the worse for fears
the other walked away alive
arms wrapped now around his wife

My lover sits, the silent eye
in a hurricane of warmth and word
my mother trembles with the sobs
whose absence seems absurd
my sister shouts to let her see
through the cloud of crowd surrounding me
my colleagues call for silence in my name

I died in a car crash three months ago
they burned me 'til I glowed
and crumbled to a fine gray sand
now I am nothing, everywhere
several breaths of strangers' air
and all thoughts ever written in my hand
they plant my tree out in the yard
it grows but takes the winter hard

My lover puts a knife to wrist
says tomorrow comes, hold on a while
my mother tosses in the sheets
and dreams me holding my own child
my sister plays our homemade tapes
laughs as tears stream down her face
my office door now bears a different name

I died in a car crash four years ago
my tree drinks melted snow
just eight feet tall a pale and fragile thing
bee stings beaches bright vacations
sunburnt high-school graduations
a sparrow healing from a broken wing
this year a glimpse of second chances
tiny apples on my tree's branches

My lover hears the open wind
and crawls blinking into the sun
my mother leafs through photographs
and thinks "yes she was a lovely one"
my sister can't decide her truth
asks aloud what I might do
in a conference hall my brief efforts engraved

I died in a car crash
a lifetime ago it seems
been a decade or two or three
they've just released a new design
bars and bags front and behind
my fate now an impossibility
safely packaged hurtling down
the highway hardly make a sound

My lover very much alive
arms wrapped now around his wife

Getting Tagged

I have no idea how to get tagged, or how to tag someone, but I saw this all over everyone's blog so here I go:

4 things not many people know about me:
1. I'm not as smart as people think. I'm only lucky.
2. I am an insecure person, but who isn't?
3. I have not had a girlfriend before, and I have not kissed anyone on the lips.
4. I think I'm getting fatter.

4 movies I could watch over and over:
1. Legally Blonde (Be surprised)
2. V for Vendetta
3. Moulin Rogue
4. The Devil Wears Prada

I could have put more but there wasn't enough space.

4 places I've lived:
1. The road Wisma Hing, SS2, is on.
2. Opposite Grace Kindergarden (We know it is really a church in disguise...)
3 and 4: No where else.

4 TV shows I love to watch:
1. John Doe
2. Alias (But I was too lazy to download the new season and I missed many episodes on TV so I'm not watching it now...)
3. Invasion (A mind boggling alien invasion show which is slow but revealing...)
4. Threshold (Another alien invasion show which is a little faster paced... Too bad there are only 14 episodes...)

4 places I've been on vacation:
1. Langkawi
2. Singapore
3. Cherating
4. Does my house count?

4 of my favourite food:
1. The Ban Mian/Meen (Flour Mee) at Restoran Gembira, Taman Megah
2, 3 and 4: Nothing else is as good as that, at least to me.

4 places I'd rather be:
1. In a camp, camps are fun and are places where true friendship can easily be found.
2. At C'est Magnifique, again.
3. At my Form 4/5 cassroom where I can peek at Breakfast Man.
4. I'm running out of ideas...

4 favourite songs:
1. Gwen Stefani's Bubble Pop Electric featuring Johnny Vulture
2. Delta Goodrem's Together We Are One
3. Jaclyn Victor's version of Keliru
4. Vienna Teng's Passage

That's it for now. And if you have time, leave a comment on what 'tags' even mean.

Is Life Worth Living - Part 2

Part 2 - Beyond Mortal Comprehension

Some things are never meant for humans to find out. Like, whether there is truly a god out there. Or perhaps, whether there are extra-terrestrial lifeforms. Another complexity is the true function of each and every single chromosome and gene and their combinations in the double-helical DNA. People would say that we are not knowledgeable enough, and that's why we do not know the answer to those questions. But seriously, can we answer those questions?

Maybe.

We can't be too sure, there may be an answer, there may not. But as long as we keep researching and performing studies, we have a chance of getting the answer.

"And what are you going to do once you have the answers to those questions?"

If there had been a god since time existed, we should worry more as members of different religions would start fighting over whose god was this god. Yes, even religions take pride in their higher beings. If there was never a god to start with, imagine what would happen to the world. Religion will suddenly become non-existant. Every religious individual would go, "You mean I have been preaching to an illusion all this while?"

The world is always an illusion. It is not always what it seems to be.

The point of all this is to let you understand that some things are better off not known. Like, for example, what is the reason of our existence? Being philosophical is good at times as you will be able to understand the reasoning behind people's actions. However, you can't continue like that forever or life will become meaningless. Set goals in life, know what you want to be in life.

Live life with meaning and you will find the meaning of life.

Mailless 1

You know you deserve better than what you are getting now. Don't let it get to you, get to it yourself. Always remember that you have me and the rest behind your back. Till then,

Mailless

Forgotten Demon

Have I told you that I quitted my job? Well, I did! I did it sometime around 2 and a half months ago. I always wanted to write about this in my blog but I am a very forgetful person. I was actually opting for a more grand finale, like maybe calling the Devil stupid like Mr. V did, but it's all over now. I meant 2 and a half months ago.

Are you brave enough? Try this and you will find out:

The House

Disclaimer: paradoxicalmouth is not responsible for any trauma or unreversible mental damage that might be caused by viewing The House. You have been warned.

Ball and Stick - Part 2

Quote of yesterday: The past is but a figment of our imagination; the future, being unpredictable, far outweighs the nightmare of history.

I am still without my streamyx connection; fortunately I have access to the college's computer laboratory. And here I am, blogging from LS7 because, apparently, people read my blog and want more entries from me. So here I go.

C'est Magnifique is exactly one week old from today, and I have to say that I am really missing it. It's not like I had time to sit down like most attendees and enjoy the food and performances as I was the stage manager for the day. It is not at all nice to run around in a formal suit and having your previous meal at 12.00 pm. All the time, my stomach growled, probably due to acid reflux in my stomach (where your stomach acids gargle up into your esophagus and burn your skin there); watching people eat normally made that worse. I am surprised that no one actually noticed Shyuan during the first part of the opening act because they thought that Ezra, Mellissa and (I can't spell her name, sorry) Zeyhan??? on stage was the show. Terrence forgetting to completely dim the lights also became a second factor.

Wait a minute, I shouldn't be allowing anyone but myself to wallow in stage management chaos here.

I didn't enjoy myself completely during the night, to be honest. I was totally pissed off by the the-ego-has-landed DJ and the people up in the control room. However, that is another story. I do regret the fact that I did not join everyone for the dance and broke my promise of strutting my infamous touch-touch dance. I was really PISSED off, with a capital everything.

Enough with my rambling. Now i have to write my list of thank you's to everyone who was somehow connnected to the success of such a fabulous ball:

Terrence - For patiently being in the control room with a bunch of smokers for the whole night, and to man the spotlight. Not forgetting the MACP license, a job well done.
Ezra - For being a really, really, really great supporter, always being there whenever we need him, for calling DJ's at 9.00 am in the morning and for jumping around on stage like a lunatic.
Daniel - For doing all the background work like me as no one else wanted to.
Nigel - For taking the responsibility as a security guard and for borrowing me his lighter to relight the candles in the Fiji Stands.
Alison - For dancing like a sexy woman and for having to go through all those tedious auditioning sessions.
Kimberley - For having an incredible sense of book-keeping and for dancing like a prostitute.
Shyuan - For piecing together one of the best ever college level performances in such short notice and for never ever breaking down and quiting.
Evelyn - For wearing the super-matching pink outfit and being our mediator with the so-called-handsome looking Kar Wai. And for going crazy on stage with Shyuan.
Joshua, Fabian and Uncle Sam - For actually creating an enjoyable video in time which is actually worth more than an academy award. And also for performing for us with Julian and Edwin. I'll always remember the morning DotA games.
Lesley - For actually coming to support us albeit having a terrible high fever and nauseatic vomiting.
Janice - For being there.
The Brass Band - For sounding SO MUCH BETTER than you did in your audition samples.
Other opening act dancers - For coming to last minute practices and having wonderfully crafted emotions on stage. I promise you, this performance is even worth going into your resumes.
Larissa - For not killing me yet because I called her to make sure her performance was on time causing her skirt to be not put on properly which led to her skirt almost falling down on stage.
Razmi's band - For being the absolutely BEST band to work with and being patient with me during my long periods of absenteeism during my stage management.
Joey, Johnathan, Dayton and Wei Rue (Sorry if I spelled anything wrong) - For coming out with a wonderful dance which everyone was looking up to (literally).
Award winners - For actually turning out. I'm not forgiving some/all of you for not buying tickets though...
Mr. Siva - For making the booklets when I was sleeping at home.
Mr. Murali - For helping us to burn CD's last minute, we could not have done it without you.
Miss Selina - For helping us to pay for the hotel bills with her credit card without hesitation. I mean, who does THAT?
Miss Chia - This person deserves more than she has gotten. She has not only been plainly an advisor, but also a friend to count on, a supporter to lean onto, a persuasive talker and a powerful teacher. No one would have close to the reality how much effort and time this person has sacrificed to make our ball, the ball of the year. I salute you.
Li Sheen - For our breakfast-man moments. Nothing beats that. And for visiting my boring blog.
Mellissa - For changing my life. This girl has so much momentum, she has completely driven me off my original track and onto a miraculous path I have never seen before. Thank you for being a the powerful leader you have always been, and for not going insane over unpredicatable issues as well as for teaching me the true way of emo. Our friendship is one friendship I will continue to respect and enjoy.
My presenting self - For not breaking to pieces and revealing the other me to everyone at the wrong times. I salute your preseverance throughout the year.

To other I have missed out, I thank you for whatever you have contributed to me and my team.

I really wished I was back there, during the moments of the ball. Although I have had some bad experiences and seemingly unbearable amounts of stress, the nostalgic value has crept onto me making this event to be one of the biggest roundabouts of my life.

Ball and Stick - Part 1

Question of the day: Do we change to have more choices in life or make choices to change?

I could have posted this yesterday but something came up. I had to use public transport to get home and it was raining heavily, so heavy until most parts of KL was covered with a thin film of mist and smog. Jalan Maarof (which was the road the bus was following) was partly flooded with torrents of drainwater and Milo-like dirt. I have to say that I was thankful that RapidKL upgraded their buses recently as I do not think their old buses could brave the temporary river of mud. I took the LRT from Bangsar to Taman Bahagia. Even the LRTs have already been emptied, showing the timing of my late arrival. Upon arrival at Taman Bahagia, I was shocked at the lack of taxis. I resorted to walking in the rain. And if getting drencehd from head to toe isn't bad enough, my ethernet adaptor burned out thanks to the storm. Now I'm unable to connect to the internet from home. Whoever is up there is certainly playing a cruel joke on me.

Today the entire StuCo celebrated the success of the ball at Pizza Hut. It wasn't our first choice but Secret Recipe already had a full congregation of consumers. I learned many interesting information about some of our StuCo friends during the session, mostly about experiences with 'Balls and Sticks', if you get my metaphor. And it isn't often that I talk about this genre, I mean, it's not a very suitable everyday topic. And especially over food. Luckily we were already done feasting.

And you thought why work doesn't get done around here...

I would like to continue to blog about the ball but I've got to go for Moral Studies in 5 minutes, and I better not be late because I skipped 2 classes last week (thanks to the ball). It's not like I'm trying to be a goody-2-shoes student (I already got that image tarnished) as I am not a personal fan of LAN subjects, and LAN since I brought this up. And Miss Geetha for teacher doesn't help. At all.

No offense to the country but, it's not working! You know what I mean.