Four-Edged Sword - How Long Can I Hold Onto It?

Today is not just another day. Today I climbed another hill in my life.

On my way to the peak, I was quite controlled, excited and stressed out at times, but I thought that was normal, that was a gift. However, there were definitely more pits, more dangerous cliffs on the way up, more avalanches to come across, more adventures, more creatures lurking in the undergrowth, more spirituality.

But there is a difference. Once I reached the top.

I don't get why things happen to me. If they are supposed to teach me a lesson, I'm not understanding the point, I'm not understanding the information, lost in my own confusion. If things are supposed to happen to me to make me go down, then I'll tell that someone up there something: 'Why can't you tell me that faster in my face?' If things happen to me because I chose the way I lead my life, then why are there all the strange restrictions I meet, all the checkpoints, all the walls and unopened doors? If things happen to me because I don't want them to, then I am just plain unlucky.

Transformation.

That is the word to describe my whole year. I will be surprised if you show me both the me of the past and the me of the present. They are like 2 completely different individuals. I told a certain someone that she didn't lose any of her good traits even though she has changed for the better. I certainly don't think that happened to me.

There are new weaknesses, new strengths. I know they are there, but what are they for? How do we use them. DO I WANT TO? I don't know. Confusion.

And then I reach the peak. Not just another peak of my life. The trip up there might seem like one of those other trips, but the peak...

You can see the sky meet the Earth with a blaze of fiery crimson, while the universe seems to supress it with a tinge of melodramatic blue. The grasslands whisper in your ears with their sweets-smelling grass-green whereas the birds sing a lullaby. The sea emits a wave of prussian although the beach meets that with a blend of sandstone and clay. Yet, there is something fishy. And it isn't any of the fishes in the sea.

It is the air. It smells lifeless. There seem to be a storm brewing, yet there isn't any speck of black in the air. There seem to be a hurricane coming this way, but where is the silence before the storm? I don't get it. It is paradoxicality in action.

And before me lay a million paths to the next peak. Which one should I take? I think I already made that decision. I'll wait. For that little something that's coming this way. If it is really a storm, should I regret staying? If it is a beautiful shining sun, is it worth it? Will I feel that same tight curiosity that I have never felt before. I don't know. I don't want to never know this.

But as I wait longer, guilt builds up. Pain develops. Misery encountered. How much am I willing to hurt myself to find the truth.

But if I take a path down the mountain, I might hurt the something special. I might intrude dangerous grounds. A minefield. And I'll blow myself and other mines together, more than before... It's like I'm seeing myself go for it, but I am not. I'm seeing myself in others, so I'm afraid that hurting that someone will hurt me more.

Patience.

Do I trust the word. Do I have a choice?

I only can hope, but it is fading fast. I need that something special, yet I know that I should go for it.

If loving someone is to feel pain when you know you can't have her, to feel misery when you know you shouldn't have her, to feel sorrow when you know you are lying to yourself, then I think I am deeply in love. It's not just a feeling, it's not just another bright light. It glows with a different aura of presence. And you sacrifice for her. You sacrifice for your 'self'. You think you know what you're doing.

How long will it before I wither and roll down the mountain?