The Eve

Today, I pen my final words in my blog, of this year I mean. There seems to be much that I need to tell everyone, but I just can't seem to figure what is it. I'll try my very best. What I'm going to do before stepping into the new year, is to forget the bad parts of the past, and to move on with the future. No turning back. Because looking back hurts us a lot, and slows us down too.

I can't say that 2006 has been a wonderful year for me. It could probably fall in the 'good' category instead of the 'marvelous' or 'stupendous' ones. It's not like nothing good did happen, in fact, I discovered something that has been imprison in my heart for so long. And that's good. I did make many mistakes, I did sinned, lied to people I cared for, and some other actions I can't possibly tell you now.

I want to say something to someone no one knows, someone who doesn't know about me too: Thank you for being my turning stone, for although I might not be able to feel the same way about you anymore, you have changed my life. For the better? Definitely! I want you to know, that when the time comes for the revelation, don't fret. We shall start anew.

Soon, people. Patience is a virtue.

Next, we shall move on to my New Year Resolutions, which I have never made before. Here is the sole one I have made:


And mind you, it isn't easy to do the above. I really hope everyone can help me do so, in any way. I wish to apologize to those who had cared for me although I was quite blind to see those pure actions in true colours. I also wish to thank those who had indeed been a true friend.

Now, I lay in wait for the moment of my rebirth, where I will forget everything from the past. I plan for those who are my dearest closest to be present at my rebirth. Who are they? You can be my dearest closest, if you choose to be. See you on the other side.

Five

There only remain 5 days to the new year, and I can hardly wait for it. Before I step into a new year, I need and will finish up a few unfinished businesses which my old self has horribly done (or not done).

1. The Matrics. Miss Chris is still waiting patiently, don't disappoint her. Don't disappoint me. And at the same time, ask Mell how the freakin' hell she has made her new blogger template. Jealous!

2. My MyKad.

3. My apologies. To Sheryn, to Ally, to Pastor Kevin.

4. My religious affiliation.

5. My unfinished love life. My feelings for her. Is it still there? And I promised so many others the disclosure of my private relationship. Will I do it? Should I do it?

On the eve of my rebirth, I am planning to have a personal gathering, and I hope that my dearest closest will be there to follow me down the path of self-discovery.

The Void Within

When I went in search of something to fill my heart yesterday, I left the place with my heart emptier. The exhaustion, the hole of nothingness inside me grows bigger. Why?

Am I not prepared to fill that void yet? Am I not sure what to fill that void with?

People seem to be so fulfilled just because their void has been filled, but what if that wasn't meant for me. What if I wasn't meant for that?

Confusion.

And now I think I'm very scared. Very worried. Not by the Almighty but of his servants' faith. The love that is overwhelming. But why do they act so?

I'm really empty. Emptier. And I felt betrayal. Mistrust. Unless of course, that was fate. It was meant to happen. But how can I be sure of that? Maybe I'm not supposed to. But I'm scared. Very scared.

I'm sorry to those I have hurt and worried yesterday. I thank them for their concern. But the path is mine to walk, mine to discover, and mine to choose.

What do I want?

Which should I choose?

Who do I believe when I can't even believe myself?

Is questioning part of the journey? Is this just a stupid act. Was this fated to happen?

I still wait for your answer.

Please.

Help me help me.

Nothingness

8 friends. 1 life-changing experience.

The past week has been one of the sharper turning points in my life, what with the series of unexpected incidents. And no, the curvy parts weren't made by others, but rather by me. It is my choice to make my life more complicated than I think it should be. Or do I? Is it possible that my life IS that complicated? It it was, why me?

A certain someone was hurt on my recent vacation to Langkawi. What seems to be images of my friends in pain turned out to be reflections of myself. I was the one with the most pain. I didn't get it. Everyone could heal so fast, could smile like they had the all the sunshine in their minds, all the love in their hearts. But when I start to reminisce, I realize how blind I was, how oblivious I have been. I thought I knew people better than they knew me. Little did I know that I didn't know myself at all.

I took so long to write this post, I didn't know why. There were times I teared, sniffling over misery. But most of the times, I had that empty feeling. The silence. The revelation was painful.

I couldn't feel anything anymore.

I really couldn't.

The feelings for her, the feelings for everyone else, the feelings for myself, has vanished into nothingness. Maybe I'm tired. Maybe my emotions are shutting down on me. But, what if they went away and never came back? I'm scared... I'm worried I can never be the same person anymore. I'm worried that no one will look me in the eyes the same way. I'm worried that I can't look at myself the same way.

Something Different, Something Langkawi

I'M EMANCIPATED!!!

Or, at least I think so.

Moral studies was fine; Kohlberg being in the paper made it look more like a Psychology paper than a LAN paper. Malaysian is ho-Ho-HO-RRIBLE! Miss Sue is so ho-Ho-HO-RRIBLE! But that is behind my back, unless of course, I fail the exam and sit in her class again.

Damn.

I mean, I didn't even studied for the exam. I went to meet up with the great Mr. Kevin Chan who just got back from Sing for several days. Kevin, Tysern, Stef, Bryan and I went to Neway in 1U, and sang like real idiots. I wonder how Stef put up with all of us... And after the singing sessions, I met Wy Jin and Yi Jieh. Wy Jin kinda looked the same, but it was great to see Yi Jieh grow so much taller. One day, he will be taller than me, seriously. Later, we visited Johan and Wy Kit at Waffle World and bumped into Ee Fei and friends near Converse. It's a small world after all.

To add to the excitement of the day, we had dinner with the oh-am-jee-super-transformed-mah-the-jun-the-xiang. He was like, wearing a black leather coat and all. AND HIS BACK IS SO MUCH BETTER!!! He was even able to play Pool and Foosball with us. He deserves this kind of life, after all the pain he had to go through. And guess what? We went to Centrepoint to play DotA. HARDY HAR HAR! He is quite pro. Josh, watch out... And after the night was kinda over, he raced me back to his house at Riana Green. When I say raced, I mean raced. As in 100 kmph on a curvy road. I was kinda used to it, having other friends doing so, but it was kinda 'whoa-ish'.

I'm going to Langkawi in, like, 5 hours or so. Yay me. I mean, I think I deserve a holiday. I am seriously stressed out now with a S-T-R-E-S-S. But I'm going somewhere with my friends. How cool can that be. Okay, fine, I might have done that all the time in college, but this is Langkawi! However, I know that the 2 couples (Josh+Mel and John+GF) will be always together, so Ezra, Fabian, Stella and I have to do something else together lor... Sigh.

NVM, definitely something different for me to experience.

LANGKAWI HERE I COME!

10 Reasons Why I Am So Dead

I am so dead, and you might be wondering why. Well, this are the top 10 reasons why I (and not other people) am so dead.

10. I have 2 LAN exams this Saturday, and I am without any textbooks. Fortunately, I only need 4.5 marks to pass Moral, but I think I need around 20 marks to pass Malaysian. I am so freakin' gonna repeat this whole thing, and Miss Sue will be so bored of me she will turn into a living skeleton in class. In front of her students. And Miss Yeo said the stress that builds up during pre-exam sessions are very dangerous killers.

9. Instead of actually making effort to study (like perhaps, Josh who slept when he was looking into Malaccan history), I am writing in my blog. There goes my passes in LAN. And then I will start to blame the teachers for my not being able to pass and they will scold me and I will scold them back and I will be quite dead then lor... A vicious cycle indeed.

8. I binge. Frequently. Reports say that people who binge are the future obese youths of tomorrow. And when I am obese, I die earlier due to not being able to lug around the huge slab of 'lipo'. I am so dead with my ever-increasing BMI ratio. And the history of diabetics in my family isn't helping too. And when I need to start sticking needles of insulin into my arm every day, I will one day get tired of it and stick it into my eyes instead. It is that bad...

7. I wear glasses. Reports show that people who rely on glasses will one day pick up a bottle of Hydrogen Cyanide instead of the occasional Black Label and die a painful death. Or perhaps, they will accidentally fall down the Grand Canyon during one of the great escapades down it due to a mis-step.

6. I think I am a computer addict. Reports show that computer addicts will die with their shrunken eyeballs glued to the computer screen (literally) and their brains overflowing with adrenaline and 'addictalin'. And I planned to donate my organs to others when I die; how can I donate my eyes then?

5. Everyday, I inhale tons of dangerous metal ions and oxides. I will die with my insides rusting, believe me.

4. I feel insecure. People who feel insecure technically will end up like the antagonist in Moulin Rouge. I will start killing people to make myself feel better and I will be all alone again... MISERY!!!

3. I don't lead a proper social lifestyle. Every possible day, I am stuck at home dreaming of the people I used to spend time with in the halls of HELP. Yet I don't make effort in calling them. I am so selfish. I will die with everyone at the burial going, 'Min Huei who?' or, 'Serves him right, muahahahahahahahaha!'.

2. I don't exercise. I am like a walking piece of bones and fat. I feel unfit. I look unfit. That's bad for my perceiving self. And I will be forced to take weird drugs and die of overprescription...

And the number 1 reason why I am so dead?

1. I am in love. And not just an ordinary relationship. She doesn't know a thing, but I can't tell her aything yet because it just isn't right. And everyday the pain just builds up. I cry myself to sleep. Why does this kind of thing happen to me? WHY?

I AM SO DEAD!

The Blue Mile

Never before in my life has my life changed so much over a measly year. Making my way into HMC wasn't something I planned for a long time, it was kinda like a last minute decision. However, this course has never failed to please me (except the case of Mr. Left...). From the rigors of arguing in Critical Thinking to the fun emo-ity sessions in the council room. It's not all about the place, it's actually about the people going there that makes HMC what it is today. A few persona has been the catalyst in my transformation here in HMC; it would be just if I said a few words about each individual.

Disclaimer: (If you're not here, it doesn't mean you are not of importance (Mr. Left excluded...). I have to admit that I do not know everyone that well, so I only have space for the very closest, the people I think I know. Everything here is arranged according to alphabetical order.)

Ally Allison - First, I wanna say that YOU DON'T LOOK YOUR AGE! Thanks for keeping us all happy and jolly and crazy. Don't worry, Erik Erikson will lose to you, muahahahaha. I made a promise to buy you Bailey's in Langkawi, and I will keep my word although my sister wants booze too. Remember our food sale? Good times... And if you ever need a helping hand to clean out your new apartment, count me in. Josh can be my reference.

Chickenchop a.k.a. mishop - Thanks for everything we shared, and still looking at each other with the same eyes. And if at anytime you want to take revenge for what they are talking about on nothelp.tk, I'll be part of the plan. Continue to hope.

Evie the Diva - Aha, the lady next door. Ever since knowing you in High School, I have known you for your intelligence, constant dilligence and maturity. Although you are younger than me by a year, you possess more mature attitudes than anyone else of my age. Also, thanks for directing me to a wall during arguments when I overspeed. And also, thanks for the transportation! We do not share a close relationship after the third semester, but once friends, forever friends!

Josh Llama - We met in Critical Thinking class I think. At first, I knew you as the creative writer of amusement and sarcasm. That later changed. I thank you for disclosing part of your life to me, although I wasn't keen on disclosing any part of me yet. But, I promise, the time will come. Thanks for buying me the chocolate cake, it meant a lot to me :). One thing, I need to tell you that you need to take it easy when you play DotA, because you tend to become, erm..., opverexcited :). I hope your current relationship will last, so don't mess up! Llamas? Definitely. OOO, and anytime you need someone to help you clean up and wash your dishes, remember to call me!

Juju-Julian-a - I remembered the first time I met you inside Mr. Murali's class. It wasn't that you looked like a lala-idiotic-boy or something (Did I just say that?) but you just seemed to have a strange presence. But our friendship proved me wrong. I have never seen you break down before, and that alone is evidence of your hardy nature. Hardy I said, not stubborn. I also thank you for the guitar-strumming sessions you donated to the council room. See you in Psycho next year! Oh, can I borrow one of your bandanas for next year? PLEASE! For the sake of my egg-shaped head.

Lesley a.k.a. LCLY - The girl next door. When we were first introduced, things picked up pretty quick. Over the months, I have known you to be a reliable friend. I remembered when we were contesting for Editor, I was kind of disappointed to lose, but when you resigned, I was shocked beyond relieve and couldn't get synchronized and organized for some time. The irony of things. The most powerful tool you ever possess is the realistic care for friends, at that alone will take you far. Sorry I couldn't be of more help during the falls you had down the stairs, or better known as 'The Lesleys'. Also, thanks for keeping my sanity, especially after I kinda lost contact with Evie in the third sem.

Mellissa - I said this once and I'll say this again: 'If I was the mountain, you are the bulldozer pushing it'. You have been the primary catalyst for my enormous transformation in HELP. I thank you for the friendship we cherish. As the president of the Student Council, you have overdone the overdone with your flair in execution and trust in followers. Thanks for submitting some articles to the Matrics; I really, really needed them! And a friendly reminder: I am a very prude person! I hope your current relationship will last, so don't mess up! And a reminder quote from the Ball thread: 'This girl has so much momentum, she has completely driven me off my original track and onto a miraculous path I have never seen before.' No, it wasn't due to your GT.

Michael da One - Michael, Michael. To be honest, although we spent time together the most compared to many other individuals in college, I feel like we do not know each other that well. Probably this is due to the fact that we share a strong intellectual relationship instead of a disclosure firendship. It isn't your fault, and I don't really think it is mine either. I really appreciate the times you cared about me, although I can sometimes be a big pain in the arse. We still will have our chance to become closer friends during the long break you have before departing to Russia. And continue your reign as one of the DotA kings!

Stella Bella - I can't remember how we got to know each other, I think it was probably through Ju. To me you are the realistic girl, the girl who knows what everything should be like. And I surprised we got along so well considering your Chinese-Educated background. I hope you like the 'apparently-dead-man's-flowers' but you must know that was never my intention. I'm sorry for all the wrong I have ever did to you in the year, like perhaps, disturbing you while you were having exam-mood-blues. Also, if you still think I have a Faca Problem, just ask me to wear a mask :). Oh, and that Photoshoped picture of you was not even meant for a joke, you looked cool in it. Seriously.

Special Mention:

Shyuan - For going through a parallel experience as me.
Ezra - For being something more than I thought you were.

Why it is called 'The Blue Mile'? Because, truly. The reason our fiendship holds strong is because we have gone thorugh the pain and misery together. The blues. And that is what makes us human becomings. That is what makes us, US.

Remember, I am truly sorry for all the wrong I did.

Double Cut

Today is Tuesday, 12th of December, 2006. What might seem to be another ordinary day proves otherwise. It’s not like I’m not yet used to the variations of each day, but more immune to it. The first thought that came to mind was this: should I go to college or not.

‘Is he mad or something? I mean, who thinks about going to college during holidays?’

I hate LAN, which completely disrupts my circadian rhythm.

And then, I find my Internet to be totally POTONGED. I mean, how can TMNet be so cruel to me? And I was awaiting some important e-mail and I had to talk to people. I feel like a hermit. And I still felt bitter.

Bitter from the unsuspected emo session yesterday.

And then, I had a power cut at night. This time, TNB has failed me. Why? Why? Why?

And I thought deleting games from my computer will change my life for the better. I’ll say that I had a very bumpy start.

ARGH!

And so I resort to playing games like Pokemon. I live a sad, sad life.

Mailless 4

It's been a long time, but I'm still here waiting for you. I was actually afraid that you might breakaway, but you haven't yet, and I'm happy for that. I mean, it's my life I'm dealing with. Because of you, I feel lost again, confused. I cried for you and for the first time, I feel like I actually cried for the right reasons. For you. Perhaps you will appreciate everything I did one day. Someday we'll know if we were never meant to be together. But if that day comes or doesn't, I will, come what may, always love you.

Someday We'll Know

I'm really really feeling this song now.

Ninety Miles outside Chicago
Can't stop driving, I don't know why
So many questions, need an answer
Two years later, you're still on my mind
Whatever happen to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

(Chorus)
Someday we'll know, if love can move a mountain
Someday we'll know, why the sky is blue
Someday we'll know, why I wasn't meant for you

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I'm speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time tonight

(Chorus)

Someday we'll know, why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go, dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know, that I was the one for you

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow
And watched the stars crash in the sea
If I could ask God just one question
Why aren't you here with me? Tonight

(Chorus)

Someday we'll know, why Samson loved Delilah
One day I'll go, dancing on the moon
Someday you'll know, that I was the one for you

Sorry for my Sins

I have sinned.

And I'm very sorry I did so. Truly, truly sorry.

But I thought that I did it for the better good. Maybe it did help in some way. I really hope so.

But each time I pretend to be happy, the pain just builds up more. I don't think I can last.

I'm so sorry.

After Exam Blues

Exams are over. As in zero studying till the next year starts! Oh wait, there's that freaking double LAN, but that doesn't count right?

The problems with no exams, and no schooling is the lack of proper companionship. And this silly psychogenic and psychosomatic ear-throat infection I'm coming down with means I can't join everyone tonight at Souled Out. It's alright, you guys have my blessings, go and ROCK the place out!

I need to say something:

I miss you all already.

I really do.

The smiles and words of humor and encouragement are missing, and that changes how I live my life.

To know how I feel like, listen to Hayley Westernra's Blue.

See you all soon!!!

Before Forgetting my Existence

After we had not much classes due to the finals , I have been experiencing a form of emotional and social hunger. Truely, I didn't know friends could have an impact on my life that much. Results? Endless binging and oversleeping at home. I could have needed the rest nad the additional nutrients, but still...

I haven;t written in my blog for so long because another effect was writer's bloc. I can't think of anything. It was only a matter of time till I found out that the reason why I blog was because of my friends. The lost of contacts with everyone I know is making me fade into fantasy.

I know that I have to say stuff before forgetting my existence. My thank you list will come out soon as I need tot ake a long time into making sure I say what I want to say before moving on.

Thanks you, friends!