Losing Senses Gaining Senses

I sit in front of my computer in the wee hours of the morning, wondering why I still am living. Having slept from 4 p.m. till midnight, I am developing a chronic sore throat which is capable of scaring the living daylights out of any Ear, Nose and Throat Physiologists. Barely having the energy to type, I created this post in commemoraton of what has been happening in the past 2 days.

Have you ever felt unreal, literally? The feeling of waking up to a world where reality seemed to be bent. Where you couldn't even feel your fingers or legs. Where you feel afloat, yet rooted to the ground below. Where you start having a misperception that everything around you is a figment of your imagination. I have. Yesterday, after waking up from a short afternoon nap at 12.30 p.m., I felt surreal, I felt like the world was about to disappear. I couldn't feel. I didn't know why. When I looked at people at talked to them, I can barely tell whether I am talking or not. I can barely feel myself existing.

I quote from the Dr. Rosen in the show 'A Beautiful Mind' (which I somehow watched before writing this post):

"Imagine if you suddenly learned that the people, the places, the moments most important to you were not gone, not dead, but worse, had never been. What kind of hell would that be?"

The worst kind of hell, I would say.

As I started getting back my sensory capabilities during the screening of 'Crash' during the Psychology Movie Festival, I began to appreciate the immaterial things of life: friends who would care for me at my darkest hour, the world we life in with all its horrors and miracles and most importantly, my relationship with the Lord who loves me infinitely.

However, the pain I am currently going through makes my presence seem atrociously ugly. My throat occasionally spasm with pain, shaking my head like a rattlesnake's rattle. Together with the feeling of lightheadedness, I feel sick. I blame myself for being an ignorant fool, for not being able to care for my worldly body in which I am able to love the world. Dehydration and an unbalanced diet led to a variety of signs which I completely ignored and vanquished. Screaming at the top of my voice at the GMB concert further irritated my throat further.

A minor digression: GMB ROCKS!

I feel disappointed and unfaithful by missing 2 powerful services yesterday and today, I sometimes question whether my faith is string enough, whether the attachment to my physical body was that important.

Mark 14
38 "Watch and pray, lest you enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak."

Nevertheless, I never felt more blessed at this moment, knowing that there will be a miracle.

There will be a miracle. Because the best moments of my life has yet to come.

Okay, now I think I better go sleep again. See you at a more convenient hour.